That cluttery cutlery

Harika Koduru
3 min readJun 18, 2022

There were a lot of cutleries on the table, as I ordered a chocolate croissant, a glazed mushroom toast and a fried egg. I wondered why. I never use the cutlery, but I never told them otherwise. So I let them fill my table with all that cutlery.

This story is not about the cutlery though, this is about how I dragged myself out of the bed and took myself on a breakfast date. I was hungry with a splitting headache after a disastrous date night, and I needed some good food in my tummy and a hot caramel macchiato. Boy, the first bite into the croissant made me feel so much better. I read the 19th chapter of “A man called Ove”, and resisted my urge to let a few tears out, (Ove loves Sonja the way every human on this earth should be loved). After digging into the croissant, a took a bite of my mushroom toast. Of course, I used my hand and didn’t use any cutlery. A mushroom fell aside, and I had hummus over my fingers, and I licked away the hummus and picked up the mushroom and savoured it. I began to think, what if I were with a guy on this breakfast date, would he look at me and think, “what a clumsy girl!” or would he think “Man, she is cute!”. Hmm, I guess we’ll never know, as I keep making one wrong choice after the other.

You choose your happy place

I slowly sipped on my free coffee (free because it’s my birthday month, yay 😊). I decided to write. Life is not easy, especially for someone with a mental health road bump. There’s so much going on in your life and suddenly there is so much emptiness in your life, and you cannot fathom the why and what of it. At the end of the day, you need to pull yourself together and remove all that unnecessary clutter in your brain, just like how I needed to clear that unnecessary cutlery on my table. You just have to look around, see how cute is the guy sitting next to you, devouring his pizza, who got a book and a pen to write notes. (Who does that anymore?)

There is a lot more to it. You need to face your existential depression and have something to look forward to every single day you wake up. There will be weekends, where people make plans, but you just sit in your bed and stare into oblivion. But I decided not to give up. I will fight through this every day and reach a point someday where I look forward to all the things I have to do and enjoy every minute of it. It is not an impossible dream, right? Or at least I think so.

I will make plans, I will call up my friends to meet, (fighting the social anxiety), I will make time to read all the fifty books on my shelf that I have been hoarding, and I will slowly wire my brain to steer away from the attention deficit. I am not very sure about all of it at this moment, but I will get there eventually. Eventually can be a long road, but the destination could be worth all the struggles.

So, you, my friend reading this, if you have an ADHD brain too, or any chemical imbalance in your brain that is not letting you enjoy the mellifluous music in the café you are sitting in, believe me, you’ll get there someday. I hope you find loving people around you, calming monsoon winds, cute street dogs, books that move your soul, or anything that can help you make your life a little easier to sail through.

Don’t forget to be a loving hooman being and don’t forget that you deserve so much love. (Long warm hugs).Ciao.

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Harika Koduru

Imperfect human, trying to make myself better everyday.