Being sick is one thing. Feeling sick is a whole different thing. I’m sick, I’ve crohn’s. Do you know what my insta feed is made of? Fitness trainers, food bloggers, comic pages, news columns. And now I feel sick of everything I see out there. I saw the most fittest actress I’ve known, who toils in the gym, eats healthy, fall prey to myositis, an autoimmune disorder. Now it should be oddly comforting to know that no amount of discipline can prevent you from a disaster like this. You never know why you fall prey to something when you never did anything to invite it into your life. But autoimmune disorders don’t need an invitation. They just arrive and refuse to leave for the rest of your life. You will never know the cause, and there’s no cure. You just suffer till you die. Meanwhile, some people may hail you for your resilience. Some people will never understand what you go through, not even your closest pals. Actually majority of them can never understand in their lifetime, what it is to be put through a disease that drains you mentally and physically which is not easily seen outside. You don’t tattoo it in your forehead. You just live through it.
My therapist says acceptance is what you need. Just accept it that you’re an oddball.You will never be able to climb a mountain. Fatigue will kill you midway. You cannot have alcohol to forget your sorrows. You’ll bleed to death. You can’t just have roshogolla when you crave for one. You’ll have diarrhoea later.
And so I dream of things. I dream of being on the coast of a beautiful sea, munching on my pineapple, reading my favourite book. Taking a trip to the museum, reliving old heritage. Long walks in the country side absorbing all the greenery around. Perhaps a hot chocolate in the evening in a quaint little cafe. Hot rice and prawns for dinner. Some soothing sleep with no anticipation of pain for the next day.
Life keeps throwing these curve balls at me. And I have to stop asking why. The time spent in asking why, could be used in having beautiful dreams for a day that might come, when you actually live your dream. On the coast. Before the sun falls on the other side of the mountain, you live that dream of yours.