Bravery in my brain
Individuals with stronger connections between their PFC and amygdala tend to exhibit greater resilience and bravery. (says GPT). I started to read about the emotional triggers and responses and the origins of these emotions in our brain. And all of this started after I started watching the show ‘House’ on Netflix. It’s a medical drama.
I was watching an episode where House is treating a 9year old girl battling cancer, with only one year left to live. She has already been through enough prodding and pricking through all the veins in her body, yet exercises this bright optimism to steal a kiss from our hawt Aussie doc. House starts to think a 9year old can’t be this brave, not even shedding a tear given her condition, and so close to death with some undiagnosable tumor again, that her bravery is all just a malfunctioning of amygdala.
He gives her a chance to reboot her life just to live one more year, or just quit fighting, simply because sometimes going through all that pain is not worth it. And that’s when she drops her tears, that she has to fight, FOR HER MOM’S HAPPINESS. The kid has been fighting all along only to see the happiness on her mom’s face, not because she wants a medal for the bravery.
That’s the thing with chronic illnesses. You keep fighting. It never ends. Your immune system is compromised. It’s a problem if you’re cut open. But also a problem if they don’t see what’s inside. The pricking won’t stop. All those scans and tests become a part of your life. And you gotta consider yourself lucky if you can find a doctor who can empathize with you, soothe your pain with not just meds but some unsolicited positivity.
When I wonder what’s all this worth, maybe it’s worth fighting for my parents who made me their entire world. To experience a love so selfless yet feels selfish when you think they brought you into existence. Maybe I fight this illness because my existence matters to so many other people in this world. This guy I talk to about music. A friend I help with education advice. How my compliments almost make someone’s day. All my exes who are better people now because I have been their lucky charm to find their soulmate. The companies I worked for, the people I cared for, the causes I fought for, I guess all of that makes it worth living for.
Probably my silver lining here is experiencing everything life has to offer when the days are good, food that I eat when my tummy is functioning, strawberries, hot chocolates, avocado maki sushi, sunsets I see, hugs I get, dopamine that kicks in when I pick up a new hobby, that 10 hour uninterrupted sleep, smell of coffee, and whatever the heck that goes on in my brain when my amygdala and PFC do salsa together. I am here for it. And I am here for you too. And if you have ever been there for me, know that I love you with all my heart even if my brain goes cuckoo with all the chemicals.
(If you are someone with a chronic/terminal illness reading this, know that you are not just brave, you are the whole universe who’s managing to keep it going despite all the raging storms and erupting volcanoes. You got this)
